Yesterday, I felt terrible.  It wasn’t my best day.  I didn’t feel great in my body, but I also didn’t feel great in my mind.  I felt a real struggle with feeling like I was doing “enough” and being “enough”.  I put that word in quotations because it is such a big, heavy, immeasurable thing.  What the heck is enough?  

I knew part of this internal struggle was because it was the first week day of my week and the previous week I had a bad fibromyalgia flare up which forced me to surrender to getting less done.  I chose laying in my infrared sauna blanket, using my rollers, and rest over forcing myself to check off all the boxes. 

But, even in those pain filled days, I actually did get the big stuff done.  I actually did a lot! But, I had to constantly remind myself that my priority was taking care of me, so that I could actually show up and do the things I wanted to do and not half ass it or push through without true intention and heart.

By the end of the week I felt better in my body and with what I had got done…and then Monday rolled around.  I was seriously so excited for a new week.  No joke, I get excited for Mondays.  I do love what I do and all that I am working on, and it is the day my kids go back to school so I can legit get to work!  The day started off great, recording an episode for my podcast and going straight into a fulfilling client call. And then shit hit the fan. 

I turned to my lists upon lists of things I want to do and started to question why I hadn’t done these things, or wasn’t further along than I wanted to be in them. I still didn’t send that email?  I still didn’t do x,y,z?  I felt so behind (even though I work for myself and nothing was actually late to anyone or past a due date…).  And the funny thing is that now a day later I can not even remember what these things are that I felt like I wasn’t doing or they feel so minuscule that I can’t understand my feelings. 

I kept attempting to soothe myself to remind myself that last week was a rough week and that is why some of my routines, systems, and todos were abandoned but I kept feeling this nagging not enough-ness. 

I kept thinking about the podcast I recorded in the morning and wishing I had directed it a different way and wondered if I did my wonderful guest justice as we barely talked about the topic that her new book is about…. Again, I kept telling myself what was said, was perfect, it will touch people  and we can always record another episode to talk about the other things I feel like we didn’t get to. 

I just couldn’t get around this heavy, funky feeling.

I knew that I was struggling with a version of not enoughness.  So, I hit pause and looked at what was real.  It was mid-way through the first work day of the week and I had

• recorded an interview for my podcast with someone I admired
• a client call where the client felt supported, invigorated, grateful, purpose filled
• received a YES to contributing to a major website that I love
• shipped out 50+ orders from the weekend
• paid all the invoices I had due from sub-contractors
• replied to emails
• received a YES from another prospective podcast guest I want to have on
• felt supported by friends in various ways who had showed up for me in the last week

I mean look at all that.  And it was only Monday mid-day but yet I was feeling so fucking low and to be honest as I write this nearly a full day later I am still feeling that way.  

And you know what?  That’s okay.  And I don’t have to beat myself up for feeling this way. I don’t have to try to positive attitude my way out of this funkiness.  I don’t have to say Tricia, it is wrong to feel this way.  I mean look at the facts?! These thoughts, these feelings are BULLSHIT!

They are, they are bullshit.  And I can see that and I can see that for some reason my mind, my heart, my body are all holding onto them right now. 

I am feeling lots of feelings and I am feeling not enough in some shape or form.  I have tallied up all the things I did today, I can see all the things I have accomplished in my life.  

I can see the proof of enough-ness but I can not feel it….

So, I asked myself, “Tricia, what would make you feel enough right now? Would anything fill that space and shift your energy?”

And I honestly felt that even if I just received news that a major dream of mine was actually coming true…I may still be fighting this heaviness.  Maybe its the way the planets are lined up, maybe it’s my damn fibromyalgia and the cold I now I have on top of it, maybe its the stress of solo parenting my toddlers while also working to earn the money to pay our bills this past month… It’s likely all of that and more….

So again I asked myself, “Tricia, what would make you feel enough right now? Would anything fill that space and shift your energy?”

And the answer that came to me immediately  was calling a friend.  Reaching out to say I am feeling shitty and want a space to cry it out.  Being held in a safe, loving space.  To know that I am not alone, and that I never will be.   To know that I am not the only one going through things.  To remember that I am supported.  I am loved and in feeling those things, my enough-ness re-entered on its own without me forcing it.

I may still feel a bit funky today but I know it is all weather passing through, that I am enough, I am loved, I am supported,  and I am not alone and neither are you. 

When emotions and feelings are running high, I try to do these simple things:

1. Ask myself what it is I am feeling.  (actually name the feeling/s)
2. Look at the why’s (did something happen not happen that triggered that feeling?)
3. Explore what would shift that feeling? (affirmations/dance/nature/dial a friend/journal)
4. Give myself a fucking break 

OH AND ANOTHER THING I AM DOING RIGHT NOW AND THAT IS GAME CHANGER FOR ME….IS LAYING IN THIS INFARED SAUNA BLANKET.… MAJOR SELF CARE, DETOX, RESET.  I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A NEW HUMAN AFTER.  (USE CODE SWEAT100 FOR $100 OFF IN THE MONTH OF JULY!)

I mean feeling is part of life.

Somedays are just going to feel funky and we don’t have to feel like that is wrong or try to fix it. 

Give yourself a break and also don’t isolate yourself! One of the most healing and freeing things for me is to open up about how I am feeling as it helps me to move through it and not feel wrong for it. 

You are loved.  You are supported.  You are enough. 

(PS make sure to watch my I call bullshit on not being enough video)

COME HANG WITH ME!