This past weekend, I attended the wedding of two people in my soul family. This is family of true lovers above all else. We are also creators, artists, guides, leaders, in our own rights, but truly it is a community of love. Most of us do have the words BE LOVE tattooed on us somewhere, after all.
Leading up to the wedding, which was a beautiful affair, I was so excited for this family reunion of people I love and barely see all together in one place these days. But, there was also the ever impending thought of what am I going to wear?!?!?! Do I want to shop for a new dress? No, I don’t want to put my money into a new dress. I will wear something I own. But, which dress? I tried on every dress and critiqued it and myself in it.
This is too casual. This one isn’t that comfortable. This one feels to serious. This one is too short. I don’t even have that many dresses in my closet, but I found myself trying the same ones over and over. I finally chose a black dress that I almost sold because I thought it was too short (really it isn’t, I was just being hard on my legs). The night before the wedding I was all excited, this is it! And these shoes! Done! I love it! But, as I got ready on the day of, I went back into judging my dress and myself in it.
I wish it was colorful. Black is boring. Is it too short? That is a lot of leg showing. Blah, blah, blah. And this was to attend a wedding of pure lovers. No one was going to judge me or my dress choice. I knew there would be a variety of styles and levels of dressiness. Why was I being so hard on myself?
On the drive to the wedding I was chatting with another guest and I started to share with her my attire woes. Because unfortunately that is what we do as humans. Talk shit about ourselves. About the way that we look, our outfit choices, are life choices, on and on. I caught myself talking shit about my dress choice and how I wished I had something else and immediately became fed up with myself. CHOOSE YOUR CHOICES, BIOTCH!
This is something I often say to myself and my best friends. I chose to not shop for a new dress. I chose this dress. So quit talking, quit thinking, quit wishing for another way, that is not going to happen. I mean it is not like by thinking I wish I had a better dress or by saying it some magic dress genie is going to show up as I drive to the wedding. And, for the record. I looked damn good in my dress.
So, as I drove on I told myself that when I get to this wedding and people comment on my dress or say you look great or whatever….accept it! Do not go into oh thanks, I actually wish I had something more colorful, or this was my last resort, or you don’t think it is too short? Do not bring up your dress and how you wish you had a different one as a way to make conversation. Do not wish you had something else. Do not defect compliments. Do not talk shit about yourself in any way.
I committed to this pact with myself and allowed myself to enjoy the wedding and myself. I did not compare myself, and my attire to anyone else. I did not deflect any compliments. I did stay present and loving with myself and each guest and it felt great!
WHY do we talk shit about ourselves? Why is it so accepted? Why do we allow it? Why do we allow others to? We are better than that.
Why do we deflect compliments instead of accepting them? When people ask how are you, why do we feel like we need to dumb it down and not be uber proud of ourselves and our lives. Why do we feel more comfortable dulling our shine then radiating our greatness?
Why is it actually normal for us, women especially, to sit around and talk shit about ourselves instead of sitting around talking about how awesome we are?
Will you join me in stopping?? Quit talking shit about yourself. Quit talking shit about others. Quit putting up with listening to your loved ones talk shit about themselves. The more we allow it, the more it will happen.
We are better than this.
The next time someone gives you a compliment, accept it! Don’t be all:
Oh what this old thing?
Or, No my hair is a mess, your’s is gorgeous.
Or, I am so out of shape, I don’t know what you are talking about.
You can give them a compliment, too, but make sure to ACCEPT the ones deflected at you.
This pact of no self-shit talking is also for the thoughts you think. Quit putting yourself down! Quit talking yourself out of what you want. Quit doubting yourself. Quit talking shit about yourself to yourself!
You ARE better then that.
Thank you for this post. I believe that our self talk shapes out lives. If we see ourselves as ugy or failures then we will attract these things into our lives and will eventually be ugly and failures. The Universe gives us exactly what we put out. Many people don’t realize that, even when they say, “I want”; then will will always want because The Universe says yes to what we give out.
I must say, I’ve been known to do this…..but I know exactly why that is. The author doesn’t seem to say what seems self-evident to me, and I’m surprised at that.
People self-deprecate because – although it can be overdone – we’ve all been offended by/turned off by/hurt by the over-arrogant. It’s a cautionary compensation in our overly self-esteemed lives that, left unchecked, can become false humility.
Thank you for this post! I know everyone probably needs this reminder, but it came at exactly the right time for me today. Thank you and bless you!