Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed. I want to pull the sheets over my head and go back to sleep. I just want to dream all day. I want to escape myself.
Sometimes I just want to give up. I want to quit.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if it will look right . I don’t know if it will work right. I don’t know if anyone will like it.
I just want to give up the fight.
It’s just too much. It’s too hard.
I want to stuff my face with cookies and pizza and macaroni and cheese while watching cheesy romantic comedies all day and tune everything else out.
I start to freak out and think that no one really cares about me. I tell myself that no one is really ever there for me.
My fibromyalgia pains act up and I just went to melt into a puddle in my bed. Why does pain have to exist? Why does it show up and try to ruin my day, my life? Doesn’t it know how good of care I take of myself? Why, now?
So, you see even as a self-proclaimed Joyologist (well actually I was given the title, but I’ve owned it long enough and I do proclaim it..) I have low moments. I have bad days. I have break downs. I freak out. I have times that I just want to stomp my feet, roll around on the floor and scream at the top of my lungs like a 3 year old that doesn’t want to do what his mom says.
I have moments of doubting it all. I have moments wondering if I will be able to keep making a living doing what I love.
Why can’t I just disappear and live on a beach on a tropical island and have no worries, no fears, no need for money. Yeah right…. everyone has shit to deal with. They have to walk for clean water. Search for food. They aren’t just lying around in the sun, swimming in the waves. Although it would be a much simpler life.
So what happens when I freak out ~ break down ~ throw a tantrum ~ forget everything that I know?
I remind myself that I make the rules. {click to tweet}
I remind myself that it’s okay if it doesn’t work out. I will figure it all out, again and again.
When I don’t want to get out of bed or just feel shitty either in my head or my body, I ask myself what will bring me joy right now? {click to tweet}
And I go do that.
Sometimes its turning up loud music and dancing and singing like a fool. Sometimes it is calling a friend. Sometimes it is getting out into the world by taking a walk and having conversations with strangers. Sometimes it is taking myself out to a nice meal. Sometimes it is buying myself flowers. Sometimes it is eating a big, fat, delicious chocolate cupcake (well one that I am not allergic too). Sometimes it is writing it all out, all the ugly feelings, all the ugly words that I don’t want to admit too.
It’s not all easy breasy even for someone that has devoted herself to loving herself and living a life that she loved from the age of 15 where I chose to either end it right then and there or live my life for me and not give a damn about all the people that didn’t understand me. { A little more on that in my bio}
It doesn’t all fall in my lap.
I don’t have a team of people waiting to make all my desires come true.
I don’t have a fat bank account that I am sitting on.
I don’t know everything.
I am human, just like you, just like them.
And I keep going.
I remember that I get to dream while I am awake and that I can and do make those dreams into reality.
{click to tweet}
I remember that I get to choose my thoughts, my actions, my words, my attitudes, and my beliefs.
{click to tweet}
I remember all those years ago when I chose to go on and to go on every day living a life that I love.
I remember that I am proud of myself.
I remember that I am loved.
I remember that I am supported. (Thank you)
I remember that I really am allowed to do whatever the fuck I want.
I remember who I am.
I remember why I do what I do.
And then I go make myself a loaded chocolate/reishi/chaga/nutzo shake, go to my office, turn the music up loud, look at all of my memories, look out the windows at the beautiful world, write it all out here and end up more inspired then I have felt in a while.
Sometimes you just gotta breakdown in order to breakthrough. {click to tweet}
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