Dear Universe, I am asking for a miracle.

That word feels crazy big, weird, and a little scary, okay, a lot scary.  Asking for a miracle brings up questions of – Am I Worthy?  Am I Good Enough?  What about all of those other people out their in the world that are struggling?  I am asking for a miracle, but what about them?  A disaster just struck Japan for God’s sake, and here I am sitting in my adorable studio in Manhattan with my health, with a closet full of clothes, with really so much.  Who the fuck am I to be asking for a miracle?

The truth is, the ugly, scary, shameful truth is that I am flat freaking broke.  While on my trip west (which was a gift, by the way), I received alerts that my bank account was overdrawn and that a credit card payment was overdue.  How had this happened?  How had I let this happen?

Someone had been holding onto a check that I hadn’t accounted for.  I wasn’t watching my spending as closely.  A check that I was waiting on never came.  I hadn’t been watching.  I have never in my life done this before, been overdrawn, been late on a payment.  There was no one to blame but myself.  It happened and as disappointed in myself as I was, I had to let go of that shame and guilt, I had to let go of making myself wrong.

Luckily, I was visiting supportive friends that took care of me and paid for my meals.  Many of them didn’t even know that I had no money at all to spend (only one did).   They were just being plain old generous to their visiting friend who they love (I am worthy!).   I was not terribly worried about my financial state because I knew that a check was on the way and a friend who was staying at my apartment would check my mail and deposit it for me as soon as it arrived.  The check was already way late, so it had to be arriving any day and then it would all be fixed.

Throughout the week, I checked in with home.  The check never came, but I just figured it was late and I knew that it would arrive the day after I got home.   Then on Saturday, after returning home and checking the mail myself to find it still had not arrived I looked into the case of my missing check.  The check is not coming.  My bank account was now at $21.24  (after having my lovely mother deposit $50 to bring it above negative and take care of an overdraft fee) and I had to make a minimum credit card payment of at least $26.95, that was already late.  Wow.  This is really happening.

Again, shock, disappointment, fears, shame, guilt all showed up for me, but this is life.  Shit happens.  Even if it could have been avoided.  It did happen.  I spotted a container full of change with a note from the friend I had lent my apartment out to.  She had been playing music in the subways and left me her coined earnings.  Fifteen dollars worth of quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies.  This was going to save me.

I walked ten dollars of quarters over to my local Laundromat to exchange for bills.  They kindly accepted the change, as they hand it out all day.  I then went to my local bank ATM and deposited a ten-dollar bill bringing my account to $31.95.  I can pay my bill!  It felt like such a huge accomplishment.  I was laughing the whole time.  This is my life.  This is life.  It is an adventure.

No longer having the security net of money in the bank is motivating me and energizing me.  It is also forcing to meet myself daily.

During the first few days after realizing I had gone broke I had moments of fear and shame resurface, to which I addressed.   I didn’t push them down and power on.  I took on these feelings, these emotions.    I looked directly into the mirror and said outloud I forgive myself.  I forgive myself.  I forgive myself, with streams of tears running down my face.   I repeated it until I felt myself really embracing it.

When loss or struggle of any kind happens in my life my compassion and love for everyone else on this earth multiplies by infinity.  I look around and know that they got shit going on, too.   I just want to show them love.  I want them to know it is all okay.  Every time that I stepped outside of my apartment I was bounding with love and joy.  I gave love to all.  Sometimes, I would just stop and take  a seat along my way just to be with people, to hold space for them.

Since this loss I have been in complete action.  What more can I do?  How else can I serve?  How else can I inspire?  I want to shake this universe up with love and joy!

Oddly or perfectly enough this past week was also the anniversary of my father’s death.  That loss is what inspired me to create my joyology in the first place.

I am inspired and the truth is that it isn’t the desire for money to pay my bills that is motivating me it is my true mission of wanting every single person to 100% fully love themselves and their lives, no matter who they and no matter what is showing up in their lives.  To be completely honest, I inspired myself this week in so many ways.  I made myself proud.  I acknowledge myself for being a true warrioress of life.  I am worthy of my title and I want to share what I have.

Seriously, I have had an amazing week.   I saw so much in myself and in the world.   I love feeling. I love living.  I sent this text out this week and it is so true.

I may be poorer than I have ever been.  In more debt than I have ever been, but I am definitely happier than I have ever been.  It’s life!

It is all perfect.  It will work out.  Life works out.  We don’t always know when or how or why, but I promise you it does.  The possibilities are endless.  Believe.  Know.  Do.

Miracles do happen.  Miracles are happening.  Consider that for miracles to happen all that you have to do is believe that they are happening.

PS I want to thank Gabrielle Bernstein and her teacher Marianne Williamson for bringing that big ass word “Miracle” into my vocabulary and mentality.

PPS This post is complete vulnerability in action. Had to step into fears in order to share it.  Fears of being judged for my poor financial planning.  Fears of will they think I am asking for money?  Fears of will they want to work with me if they know that I am broke?  Fears of is it wrong to tell people that I am broke? Yay! Fuck you fears!

This is me.  This is what you get with me.  100% complete vulnerability.  I call myself out on my own shit.  I am a pro at it.
I own up to it and not just my hits, but my misses too.  I see my shit clear as day, and I see your shit clear as day because almost all of the time it is the same shit, just wrapped in different packages.  I am the perfect blend of no bull shit and full compassion (with loads of laughter because life is fucking funny).

PPPS.  Your life is happening right now! Forget about all the bullshit, it doesn’t matter! xo