It’s funny how death triggers shakiness, immediate sobbing and a tightness in the stomach when I hear of the news.  You may wonder, how is that funny?  I guess, I just expect that when the losses in my life keep adding up, the reaction that I feel will lesson.  But, I don’t  I feel it stronger.  It reminds of all those that I have lost and it also reminds me to live and to love.  Emotions are super present and super strong.  I feel complete vulnerability.

Today via facebook, I saw the news that a past co-worker  just loss a battle to cancer. He isn’t someone I am particularly close to these days.  The last time that I worked with him was in 2006, but thanks to facebook I have had a few chats with him this past year.

He was kind of the bully at the warehouse of the Sound Company that I worked for.  An old road dog, that knew his shit and was rarely ever wrong.  So, he liked to keep the youngins and the newbies on their toes now that he was off the road and he wasn’t much lighter on the old pros either.  He brought his little pug to work everyday, who I barely ever remember see doing anything but lie in his dog bed and follow Mike wherever he went.  As most crew people are, (including me) he was a smart ass and always quick with the remarks.    I loved him.  He most definitely helped to shape me.

He may of had a thick, sometimes hostile exterior, but really he was the most considerate and loving guy.  Yes, he gave us all a hard time, but you know what it made us better.  It made us think quicker.  It made us better at what we do and it made us stronger. He really did have a heart of gold.

It really is quite sad the number of people that I have lost in the last few years.  I mean, I am only 29 and the people that I have lost are under 60 and by under 60 I don’t mean they were all 55-59.  A few had cancer and several were pure freak losses.

This is the primary reason as to why I live my life the way that I do.  Death.  Loss.  You just never know.  You never know when it is going to come, where it is going to come from.  You don’t know.  So, why the hell would I want to be alive and not loving every minute of my life?  Why the hell would I want to be alive and not live every moment of my life?  Why would you?

This doesn’t mean that I am taking a year long Caribbean cruise to love my life.  What it means to me is that I consciously choose each moment.  Everything is not easy for me.  Everything is not handed to me.  I have to struggle to pay bills.  Disspapointments happen, but I don’t sink into them.  I don’t attach myself to them.  I keep on keeping on and I put myself out there.  I am grateful for all the oppurtunities that I get and that I make.  I dream big and I keep pushing towards my dreams.  BUT, I do this without stress, without worry, without fear.  I move from my heart and create it all.

RIP Mike at least I know you are being reunited with the lots of friends and loved ones now.