This past week, I happened to be reunited with people that were around me during my heaviest times of grieving the loss of my father.  These people met me and got to know me at a time of complete vulnerability, of complete loss, of complete love, of complete confusion.

I got the call about my father being found dead, just 6 hours before I was to board a plane to Australia for tour.  It was to be my first trip to Australia and I was incredibly excited.   The phone call was a complete shock.  I had an amazing friendship with my father and I had just spoken to him a few days earlier.  He had sounded so happy and full of life in that phone call.  He was excited that I finally had a home after living out of storage units for years (as I was always on tour), he was excited for my Australia tour.  He was really proud of me and then he was gone and no one even knew why or how.  He was found dead with a head injury in his car.  What the fuck?

I flew that evening, but not to Australia, to Cincinnati, to the funeral.  I chose to still go on tour, flying to Australia the day after the funeral.  I didn’t know what else to do with myself, the road was my home, my tour mates my family.

I accepted his death, that although I hated that he was gone, it was what happened, but I of course had a hard time.   After finally letting myself cry at the funeral (my most courageous moment) I chose to allow myself to feel, to grieve, so I ended up crying openly, often.  Luckily, I had big ass sunglasses that helped when I was in public.

I had great swings of laughter and loving life, to moments of sadness and confusion.  I remember especially at night time after the shows when we would be all be hanging out and I would start sobbing saying that I didn’t feel that what I was doing was important.  I want everyone to live their freaking lives and love their lives!  I kept saying this but had no idea how to do this of this actually happening.   I just knew that doing monitors, being a sound engineer was no longer serving me.  Although the band lovingly chipped in with, you help us, so that is helping others….

During that run in Australia I was touring with Jason Mraz and his band, who were all now my family as I had been working with them for a few years, already.  We were joined by Canadian singer, Hayley Sales on this tour, who I had never met before and got to see me in most vulnerable of times.

Directly from our Oz run, Jason, the band, and I went right to rehearsals for the Music, Magic, Makepeace tour.  This is where I met the Makepeace Brothers. I was still grieving hard core and allowing myself to cry openly whenever it came up, wherever it came up.  So, I shared with everyone what I was going through, I wanted to make sure that they didn’t just think I was some crazy, emotional sound girl that was crying all of the time, especially since most people were not used to seeing a female behind the sound board.

I expressed myself.  I allowed myself to be fully vulnerable and I was fully supported, by friends that I had not even met yet.  I ran sobbing into their arms.  I asked them to be a space for listening for me.  I knew that they did not understand what I was going through and I made sure that they knew that they were not responsible for fixing me or making me happy that I just wanted a shoulder, that I just wanted an ear.   I asked for support, I asked for love, I asked for them to simply be there.

I have stayed connected with these people, and they have watched my transformation from grieving sound engineer to inspired Joyologist.  I had no idea, when I emotionally sobbed that I wanted to do something more with my life, that I wanted people to live their lives and love their lives, that I would actually end up creating a life for myself where I do just that.

Wow.  Life.  What a trip.   It all comes together.  The universe has it all worked out and we don’t even know it.

I am so grateful for all of the support in my life.  Then.  Now.  Always.

Open yourself up to the support, to the love, to the compassion that surrounds you.

Both Hayley and The Makepeace Brothers had shows in New York City this week.  I am blessed to have them in my life.

PS…I wanted to post pictures from both of these tours….but I also lost my computer that summer, with all photos….  It is all good though…I still got the memories!

I do have this photo that was taken behind the stage in Oz.

And  I will share these videos from both tours.