Last week, I spent a few days pretending that I was not sick.  I was doing my live Be Your Own Joyologist webinars, so I couldn’t be sick, so I just told myself that it was nothing.

I woke up Thursday, the day after the webinars, barely able to move, talk, breathe.  Oh, crap!  Was I really, actually sick?  I can’t be sick, can I?   I take good care of myself, don’t I?

I realized that I always equate getting sick with failing. Fuck!  I failed.  How could I let myself get sick?  Me, of all people?  Aren’t I super human?  What will people think?  That I don’t know how to take care of myself?

Hahahahahah. Seriously, what is all that about?

When I hear and see friends, family members, acquaintances getting sick do I ever think, “geez, they really don’t know how to take care of themselves.”  No!  I have never, not a once, thought this about someone else getting sick.  I send them love and tips on healing.  They got sick.  It is not their fault.

So, why is that when the tables are turned.  I equate getting sick with failing.  I am not enough!  And when people send me love, when people tell me to feel better,  I react with no no no!  I am fine. It is nothing!  I will not accept their love.  Why won’t I accept their love!!?!??!  It is so silly.

I have this mechanism that tells me that I don’t need anyone else. Don’t tell me to feel better!  Don’t tell me that you are sending me well wishes!  I am fine! I don’t need you!  I can do it all on my own!  Yeah……so that is a load of shit.

Of course, I am incredibly independent, and always have been, but I do want love, I do need/want people, I do want/need support and that does not mean that there is anything wrong with me.  I get to accept the love and support that I give to others.   I am allowed.  I am worthy.   Getting sick does not mean failing.    Getting sick is getting sick and it is a great reminder for me to allow myself to be loved, to allow others to show their love for me and not just because I did something for them.  I get to receive love at all times.

I am receiving love and I am taking care of me!

I am grateful for the reminders sickness has brought me.