To be honest…..My website drives me nuts!!!!!  I am so happy to have it.  To have this place to post and share, I just wish it had more flexibility.  At least, it gives me a full list of things to include and to be aware of when I go to re-design it eventually (when I have funds put aside for that very reason).

I was missing some features from my old journal blog site I am being.  Today, I found a handy tool to let people sign in using their twitter, google, yahoo, blogger, etc. accounts just like you can on the blogger site.  It also has a great tool to sign-up users for newsletters, which I have been thinking about starting.  Great!  So easy!  But, then I realized that it wiped out all the comments that already existed on my posts. I can still see them on my administrator page, but no one else can. So, I now have a new feature on my site to sign up and I am the only member and none of my posts have comments.

On another note in the last two days I have asked my friends and followers to vote for me on two different sites.  One was a silly competition to see who gets the most “likes” on facebook of a photo of themself practicing yoga in an odd place.  My photo is good, but I only collected 34 votes.  Today a thoughtful twitter follower passed along to me a contest to be a paid “good mood blogger” for a natural vitamin company.  What a perfect job for me, right? Freelance, paid, natural health, good mood???  No brainer!  So, I set to my facebook, twitter, and email contact list.  Right now, I have 75 votes.

This brings up another thing let I sometimes let bother me.  I right in this moment have 2412 followers on twitter (which I am so grateful for) and only 394 likes on my facebook page, with only 138 of them being people I am friends with.

So, what I am saying is……that these numbers, I am letting get to me.  I am letting myself create that it means something.  I am wondering how can I have 2412 followers, but only 394 like me?  And only 30 of them like a photo of me?  And only 75 of them will vote for me to have a rad blogging job?????  And!!!  I sent emails to my superfriends that have huge followings for them to post about it and only one did!!!!  What will people think who come to my site and see that I am the only member? And there are no comments, so nobody else must like this site or the content!

Hello EGO!!!!!!!!  I mean really.  Do I sound like a stuck up, whiny bitch or what?  I am laughing so hard at myself right now, because all of those thoughts are so real!!!!!!  And do you want to know all of the stuff that I made up with those thoughts today?

-nobody likes me
-they think I am worthless
-nobody cares what I say
-I bet all of these followers are only following me waiting to hear something about Jason Mraz

Lucky me (or unlucky me) I have this super-powerful gene that dominates especially in times like this where I am doubting love coming at me in my life.  It is the gene that says, F them!  It doesn’t matter if anyone believes in me or not!  I believe in myself 100%.  This is a great thing to have, this self-confidence/belief,  but I used to use it to shut loved ones out.  Now, when I feel it rearing its head, I remember to step back and acknowledge everyone in my life as a source of love.  No matter how they choose to show it, I know that it is there.  It doesn’t matter if they “follow” me or “like” me or “vote” for me.  I get myself present to the fact that those people have lives and they are living them.

I also get myself present to the reality, that none of it means anything.  I get to control my thoughts.  I get to control my speech.  I get to control my actions.  I get to choose what bothers me and what doesn’t.

We are all battling our own egos, our own struggles, our own made-up thoughts.  I choose to be transparent with mine, but in a way that they are voiced in love.  I am grateful for every connection that I have, whether it by via web, blood, laughter, conflict, and on and on.

And above all…laughter cures all!!!!

PS.  I am guessing this may not be the best way to win votes/followers/likes….but I am committed to being transparent!  You can rely on me for that.

—and now I can’t get the photo thumbnail to load…oh website joy! But, I am at least laughing at this!