Many of you know my back-story, that from the ages of 19-28 I was a professional live sound monitor engineer. I toured the world with Grammy Award Winning Artists making sure that every person on stage was hearing the perfect mix of vocals and instruments to their liking. They each get a personal mix that best suites them to have them performing at their best. Meanwhile, the sound engineer out in the audience (front of house) is mixing for all of you out there in attendance.
When I was not on the road working for one at artist at a time, I did plenty of local gigs and huge festivals where big name artists would come through without a monitor engineer on staff. So, I would step in for the day.
Often times on these local gigs, I got to step in to mix monitors for bands that I loved, some even that I idolized. During the summer of 2004, I was so excited to get to do a show with one of my favorite artists of the previous few years.
Not only did she have an amazing voice, but her songs were absolutely beautiful lyrically. I could listen to her CD on repeat over and over again and truly feel it. The messages in her songs reached females everywhere, building self-confidence and love.
Not only did I get to see her live, I got to work with her. I got to be the one that delivered her performance to her. WooHoo! And you know what? She was a complete bitch, seriously. Not just to me, but to everyone. She was cold and mean to her band, the crew that did travel with her, her mother, even the audience. Throughout my day of working with her, I did not see her smile once. I did not see one friendly or loving piece of her.
After that day, I never listened to her music again. If it came on the radio, I changed it immediately. I buried her CDs, I actually may have even thrown them out. I didn’t just boycott her though, I vocally dissed her as well. Anytime that her music came on, I took the opportunity to tell everyone what a true bitch she was. I did this for years.
Then, sometime in the last two years I forgave her. I let go of my grudge against her. I learned about the concept of holding space and who I was being and I realized that those concepts applied to things that had happened in the past too. I was still holding onto them, so they were still a part of me and who I am being today. Who cares if my interpretation of her that day was that she is a bitch. Maybe, she is a bitch. Who cares? Who am I being by holding onto my grudge against her? The truth is that I still love her music. I love the lyrics that she writes and sings.
Maybe she had a bad day that one day back in 2004, in San Diego? Maybe she was used to working with her own monitor engineer and was afraid of the idea of working with a stranger? Maybe she had huge stage fright and actually hated performing in front of an audience? Maybe she was grieving? Maybe she was sick? Maybe those are all excuses for her behavior that day. True, she as well needs a lesson in who she is being at all times, for all people, but who I am being in judging her?
What is more important for me to get is that whatever is going on over there, I am still responsible for who I am being at all times. I choose to hold space for all people, attitudes, actions, thoughts, ideas, and on and on and on, whether I agree with them or not. I choose to be actively free of judgment. Who I am I to judge her? Who I am being by holding onto a grudge? Who am I to spread my version of her to others?
I have forgiven her. I have let go of my grudge. I am free.
Just now on my Pandora, one of her songs came on and without any hesitation I started to sway and swing along. For this I am grateful.
What grudge can you let go of today?
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Now, that I am reminiscing about my days behind the console. I am going to throw in few old pics!
2002 House Of Blues Chicago- where it all started
2005 Lollapalooza Grant Park Chicago
2005 Radio City Music Hall on tour with Dolly Parton
Got my thinking face on…figuring out my new digital console 2005
2008- on tour with Tom Cochrane, John Mellancamp’s crew plays a practical joke on me…
2006 on tour with Natalie Cole -catching my reflection of my gear & I squeezed into the VIP booth of the Viper Room for a special show
Fun times!
I love that story. For about 3 years I was so resentful towards an artist that I made up treated me badly that it made my blood boil just talking about him or hearing his music. Last summer I did my AA step 4 on my resentments and had more about him than my whole family! Through doing that I saw my part in it and the bullshit I had created in my head about him and it set me free. I have forgiven him and have seen him play a few times recently and he was lovely with me, and I with him. He’s still the man I love to hate but has a way of writing my life into his songs… Plus he introduced me to Jason’s music, how can I not forgive him lol!
When you wrote this
“What is more important for me to get is that whatever is going on over there, I am still responsible for who I am being at all times.”
My brain read this:
What is more important for me to get is that whatever is going on over there, I am still responsible for who I am being OVER HERE.
Thanks for this post….very inspiring…lol..from over here : )
exactly! Thanks Laurie!
Great post.
I held a grudge against someone for a while, and even when I said I forgave him I would continue to spread my version of him. Unfortunately, even though I knew there were circumstances that caused his actions, it wasn’t until he passed away that I learned to let it go. I don’t think I’ll make the same mistake again.
On a side note, I’m surprised you only have one such story after 9 years of running monitors. 🙂 My father-in-law does FOH mostly, but when large acts come through and bring their own engineers he usually does monitors. He says you can tell what kind of people musicians really are by how they treat the person running their monitors (of course he’s also the type to hold a grudge).
Hi Trish! I “Like” everyone on facebook and have been a big fan of yours for quite a while! I always repost your inspirational quotes and posts and love how you look at everything in such a positive way!! You are my inspiration!
Greetings,
Yes, there’s a story of life from every monitor gig!
I did monitors for 20 years, many good days, but a few bummers,
and they seem to burn in your recall.
My worst was the Counting %^&*@#, but then soon after I felt redeemed by Booker T and the MG’s.
It’s all chemistry. It’s more about where they are at, at the time you happen to cross paths. Of course everyone has a bad day, but not a month!
I’m glad you are devoted to making people feel better, because god knows we all need it.
Dolley made ME feel good working at some ridiculous car convention in Fla, Pattie LaBelle would always stop by before curtin and hug.
Bonnie would always look me in the eye and say “cool?” Peace T. Long