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I have a secret that’s extremely close to my heart, and I’m going to share it with you today.
I have a really stubborn and challenging eight year old son. In addition, he has extreme independence, persistence, and determination. He exerts more mental and physical energy than other kids his age.
As a toddler, he wouldn’t listen to me (or anybody); he didn’t follow rules and thought they were all pointless; it was his way or the highway; he constantly wanted a new toy or some kind of candy when we were out running errands; he would battle me over what he wore and what/when he ate; he was extremely opinionated; he would throw random very extreme tantrums saying he hated his life and his family; and he argued with me about pretty much everything. He was even the most difficult to birth (being breech). Honestly, he simply wasn’t all that fun to be around most of the time.
I was always at my wits end with him; always frustrated; always embarrassed; and always left feeling defeated.
Sadly, it took me almost six years to learn that my son wasn’t the only child with extreme levels of will. In fact, his behavior wasn’t as much bad as it was simply misunderstood. I had tortured myself–and probably my son–for years trying to get him to be a good, “normal” toddler. I blamed myself and my parenting – even though my other son was perfectly easy and kind.
But, the idea that I didn’t know who my son was all those years is what I regret most as a mom.
It wasn’t until he was about six that I read about the strong-willed child. To my surprise, my son fit the description to a T.
After I researched the topic for a few days, I realized that I wasn’t parenting him in ways that supported his personality and might actually have been hurting his creativity and self esteem. Part of our struggle was me. I might not be to blame for his strong will and spunky personality but I wasn’t handling it the right way.
I now feel so much pain for misunderstood kids, and I also feel the parents frustration as well. Knowing what I know now means I would have disciplined a lot differently–I would have been less stubborn myself and instead allowed him much more freedom to explore, “disobey” and learn through experience.
The good news is that, after reading about and studying the ways of a strong-willed child, I took on a whole new perspective. It has taken a few years, but we finally have gained a mutual respect, and I’m now better able to help him grow.
About the strong-willed child
All children have different strengths of will. Whether you’re a teacher, an aunt, a parent or a friend, it’s important to know that there are certain children that come off rude or demanding or just plain difficult. But before you judge, know that these kids are quite often just misunderstood.
Parenting a strong-willed child is a very exhausting and difficult task at times. It requires patience and energy you didn’t even know you had buried within you. Apparently they are born this way. And they are a blessing, not a curse.
Instead of looking at my son’s personality characteristics as flawed or bad, I decided to learn more about the brain of a strong willed-child. In fact, research shows that disobedient children earn more as adults and are also more likely to be entrepreneurs. Some intelligent children who defy authority or challenge the status quo tend to think more outside the box, lending them a certain creative advantage when it comes to new ideas and starting businesses. Entrepreneurs tend not to play by the rules. And they don’t wake up one day with the desire to change the world; this starts when they are born.
Recognizing I had a strong-willed child was the first step to having a wonderful relationship with him and learning to parent him in a positive way that now helps him flourish into a responsible adolescence.
I don’t just tolerate my son; I admire him and all he stands for and his strength and determination. It’s my job to guide him and stand by him, not shush him or ever suggest he’s “abnormal”.
What I’ve learned from my strong-willed child
Without my son, I probably wouldn’t appreciate my other children as much as I do.–I now see how easy they are to raise. He’s also taught me so much about myself as a parent. So many times I’ve felt like the student and not the teacher. I’m much more patient with my other kids because of him. And I’m forced to have to “talk through things” instead of a quick and effortless time-outs. His need for explanations for everything has caused me to think twice about how I behave as a person and a mom. He forces me to look at myself in the mirror and be the best I can be. Because he’s always paying attention, and now I know that’s not a bad thing.
10 Qualities of a Strong-Willed Child (+ How to Better Handle Them)
1. They exhibit intense angry outbursts
While all kids throw temper-tantrums, strong-willed kids exhibit intense anger that doesn’t subside for a long time. They have low frustration tolerance and they struggle to express their anger in a socially appropriate manner. Since understanding more about my son, I’ve learned that he needs time frames, choices, explanations, fairness and love. I now talk through things with my son and negotiate. My dictator style parenting caused even more angry outbursts because he’s emotional, extremely passionate and–as with most leaders–he likes to be in charge.
2. They demand to know why
“Because I said so” is one of the worst things a strong-willed child can hear. They want to know why they can’t do something or why you’ve set certain limits. I didn’t like that saying as a kid either, but I usually would just suck it up and listen because I respected adults, rules, leaders, teachers and elders. Not my strong-willed child. He needs to know that whatever it is we’re asking of him or telling him to do is fair, and that he’s not being taken advantage of. Fair enough. So now, we discuss things and treat each other with respect. And after years of working on this struggle, he is often able to comply without asking “why” now that he trusts me and knows that I have his best interest in mind.
3. They can argue forever
Strong-willed kids are masters at talking back. They don’t give up when they disagree and will let you know. They love to engage in power struggles, and their stubborn persistence often works for them as they tire other people out. Discussions can get really entertaining. Add this personality trait to being extremely smart and you will have a great discussion on your hands. I lose the debate fair and square most of the time I talk with my son about math, sports, history or politics. My son isn’t just giving me attitude, as it might seem from the outside; he’s giving me the facts–or at least what he believes them to be. I try to meet his determination with admiration and watch how much he blossoms. I smile and laugh when he argues with me, and try and ask him why back. You’d be surprised how much kids realize just by sharing their opinion outwardly.
4. They’re bossy and have a firm sense of right and wrong
Strong-willed kids have a vision in their mind about the way things should be, and they’ll often orchestrate ways to turn that idea into reality. This is why they don’t like rules. If it wasn’t their idea or their way of doing it, they most likely will let you know this and explain why the idea was bad or not fair. They have no problem telling their peers where to stand or how to behave, and they’re not shy about telling adults what to do either. I will never forget when my son and I were on vacation, and he called me out in front of hotel staff. I admit, I told a white lie (about my son’s age), and my son quickly corrected me and said “what? I’m not five mom. I’m seven!” He couldn’t believe I would say such a thing. In the end, he was right. And I learned a very valuable lesson.
5. They refuse to do things they don’t want to do
It’s not about other people, and rules don’t go over well. No need to spend countless hours trying to convince a strong-willed child to do something he doesn’t want to do. Strong-willed kids will dig in their heels and refuse to budge. Arms crossed–that’s their favorite stance. But offer them the ability to choose to do what you’re asking and you’ll have a compliant child. Strong-willed kids want to do the right thing, but the trick is, they want it to be their idea.
6. They’re impatient.
They don’t like to wait in lines. They’re bored after a few minutes on a long car ride. They most definitely don’t like to take turns playing videos games, and they always have to be first. They don’t want to waste a second waiting for someone else. It’s the self-centered part of their leader-style personality. The only thing I can do in this situation is point out all the times in which we waited for him, or all the time he has gotten to go first. If you do this enough, they will get it. Afterall, they know right from wrong, and they understand fairness. But we have to help them see those things and how it also applies to them.
7. They make their own rules and go against the grain
Strong-willed children are very opinionated. My son is always going to do it his way (no matter what my opinion is), and I let him. Going against the grain can be an awesome trait: Strong willed kids are very goal-oriented, and they’re less likely to be swayed by peer pressure. My son thrives when he sets his own goals and comes up with his own ideas on how to improve his behavior. No use in trying to make a strong-willed child fit into any box or color in any lines. That will only suffocate their creative nature and their self esteem.
8. They insist on getting what they think they deserve
My son constantly wants things when we are shopping. In fact, it had gotten so bad that I couldn’t even take him shopping or I would for sure encounter a melt down or would waste money on things I didn’t want to buy. Strong-willed kids struggle to understand the difference between a need and a want. Whether they want mustard on their pancakes or to play soccer in the house, they’ll insist they should be able to do it. Even when they’re getting the most of something, they’ll insist they’re not getting their fair share. Everyday he says “it’s not fair!” at least 10 times, and much of the time, he’s right. I now carefully watch my words and my actions; I have to really walk the talk and be true to my word. Kids see everything. And I want to be the person I’m raising him to be.
9. They make decisions and learn things for themselves.
When it comes to decision making, my son is often independent. My son will give and give and give–when he’s in the mood. If you allow your child to choose (instead of choosing for them), they are much better at cooperating which makes things go much smoother. Try saying “would you like to share your toys with your friend? You don’t have to. But it would make them very happy. It’s up to you. Why don’t you think about it and let me know in a few minutes!” At heart, he wants to make his friend happy and will make the decision to do so.
Strong-willed children also have to make mistakes before they learn anything. Although I now understand this, I still feel the need to say: ‘be careful,’ or ‘don’t run around a pool,’ or ‘the stove is hot.’ But what’s different is my reaction when he doesn’t listen. I’m much more compassionate now that I know he’s never going to listen to my words of advice. Instead, I just wait until he needs me; my hugs and kisses are always here for him when he falls or gets hurts. And of course, I ask him what he learned.
10. They move at their own pace
Strong-willed children have a hard time switching gears. While it might come across as they just don’t like doing what they’re told, that’s not entirely the case. When strong-willed kids are doing something, they’re giving it their all. When I ask my son to get ready to go to the grocery store with me, he may whine, or maybe ignore me, and he will definitely take his sweet time. But ask him to go to the park and his socks are on and shoes are tied by the time I’ve even gotten down the stairs. They aren’t slow kids though, that’s for sure. My son talks quickly, eats quickly and his brain thinks at rapid speed.
Do you have a strong-willed child? If so, I hope you found some inspiration from my story and a desire to learn more. For references read below:
References:
