I just had a flashback to after my father had passed away suddenly in 2008. As much as I was dealing with it realistically and spiritually, I was very much grieving. I was just feeling so much and often times stuck in a blur of deep feeling. That is the only way I can describe it.
All of my emotions were heightened and in many ways I became more present than ever. I would be walking around and notice beauty like never before, like a child in wonder. But, then I would get hit with a wave of tears and would turn in and everything would get blurry.
At this time, I got some great and very simple advice. DO MORE HEART OPENERS. What are heart openers? Exactly as it reads, yoga poses that create a deeper opening in your heart. Since, I was an avid yogi at this time and loved heart openers I was eager to take this advice on. I started to throughout my day, pause to practice some gentle heart openers. Each time I could feel myself releasing into it, opening up more in my body and deeper in my heart.
Often times, tears would flow, some times it would try to tell myself no, not now, but I kept my heart openers up and I know that it was a huge part of my year of healing. I wasn’t just healing from the loss of my father. I was healing from everything in my life. His passing made me stop and really look at myself and my life and what I wanted from it. I had to acknowledge that some of my dreams and passions had changed. I had to forgive myself and many other people in my life. It was a very big time of transition and transformation and through all of it I was reminding myself to keep my heart open.
Today, as I was walking out of my office door my eye caught my yoga blocks hiding in the corner and I was reminded of those words of advice DO MORE HEART OPENERS. The past few days I have been feeling a lot. Some things came to light recently that have saddened me and left me mistrusting people that are very dear to me.
We all talked through everything with love and honesty. Love was never lost and we did work to restore love and communication and have left the door open to heal more. But, yet I have these thoughts lingering and it has left me with a heavy heart.
I noticed though that my first instinct always wants me to cut off ties from people. Something inside gets so fired up YOU HURT ME! YOU WEREN’T HONEST WITH ME! I HAVE BEEN SUCH A GOOD FRIEND TO YOU! I AM DONE WITH YOU.
Really I take it to a place of I AM RIGHT and YOU ARE WRONG. When, I know that I am not perfect and that really I can see it all from their side, it just still hurts to see it. It would be easier to cut people out of my life, so I could stay up on my high horse and feel protected. Let me build up some new walls! That will keep me safe and happy! Yeah, no, it won’t.
It is easier to run because then I don’t have to face my own part in it. I was hurt by them, but I was also able to see that the reason I was hurt so deeply is because I recognized some of the things that hurt me the most were things I may be guilty of (hello mirroring!)
I realized that I was about to cut off some relationships with long term friends of mine because I told myself that they gossiped and I didn’t want to be a part of gossip any longer. But, the reality is I wanted to cut off the relationships because when I am with them, I gossip with them! It would be easier for me to cut off friendships with people I love and who have been there for me then to just say, let’s not talk like this anymore. And to be completely honest, a haven’t already said that because I enjoyed the gossip! (FYI we were never mean girls gossiping, more like do you think so and so are going to last? Aren’t they moving kind of fast? But that is still gossiping and it is unnecessary and I don’t want to be that person anymore.)
All of this has been coming to the surface in the past few days for me. So, I have again been feeling a LOT. I have not only been looking at my friends, but at myself in these friendships and my conclusion is that:
I WANT TO BE BETTER. {tweet it!}
I am not going to cut off any of these friendships. I am going to open my heart even more to myself, to my loved ones, to strangers, to you. I am going to build my relationships with even more love and integrity. To help me do this, I will be doing heart openers daily, in my body but also out in the world. I am going to share my smile with strangers more. I am going to send love notes to those that are important to me more. I am going to give compliments to strangers and friends more.
I am not going to build any walls. I am going to re-elvaluate my friendships and see my part in them. I am going to be clear with my friends and myself that I AM NOT available for gossip (and take more of my own advice with some of my relationships). I am going to be better, by keeping my heart open.
{Image by Jon Marro from the book Kindred Spirit by Mathew and Terces Engelhart}
On top of all of this…. I have also lost yet another friend to a sudden death. Today, I am flooded with memories of too many friends who have passed. I am keeping my heart open. Please cherish your life and your friends.
Keep your heart open.
