Last weekend I attended a Christmas Party of the sound company that I used to work for. They are the reason I am in San Diego. I moved here before I graduated from college in Chicago to start working and then flew back to take my finals. I was that ready and excited to be a part of their company. They are the second largest touring sound company in the world. I worked hard for them. I pushed my way into their ranks by working tirelessly and showing how non-girly I was in my heavy lifting, but still showcasing how girly I was in my compassion and consideration. I loved being part of that world. My touring career started with them and I am endlessly grateful for their love and support. I left the company in 2006, after working for them for three years to venture into new positions in the production world, but ended up returning to sound in a free-lance position. I have kept a personal and working relationship with many of the employees and bosses, but being at the party got me present to some things about myself.

I was able to be present there fully as me, as I am right now. Who is that? I am not sure! And that is why it was so great to feel like myself. To be interested, engaging, loving, and confidant. I was confidant as myself without having a title to attach to myself. I am no longer a sound engineer, I am no longer going to be a part of that world. I guess I can still call myself a “joyologist” but I do not see myself touring anymore. I am most confident in saying that I am starting a new life. I am going to write and I am going to see what comes up and who I end up being next.

I don’t know if I can ever recall being more confident in where I am as I do right now in my life and that place is of a huge open space. I don’t know what or who is going to fill it and I do not know where it is going to take me next.