If you were wondering, not all days start out with gold shiny stars and unicorns flying over rainbows in my life.  Some days it is a struggle to get out of bed.  One, because lets be real, beds are comfy cozy and especially in the winter no one wants to step outside of it into colder air.  But, also because some days I am in a shit ton of pain.  This week especially.

It hasn’t been how I would have envisioned starting out 2015, but luckily I didn’t create any expectations about how the first week of January “should” go. (You know I despise shoulds). Even without expectations it has been rough.  But, also beautiful.

Some of you know that I have battled fibromyalgia for as long as I remember, it is in my about me page and it really is what guided me on this path.  Always being in so much physical pain, which was undiagnosed for a long time, is what made me truly listen to my heart and not care about the bullshit in life.  When I was 15, I had a come to life moment, when I truly chose to stay alive and commit to truly living my life and loving myself.

Since, that moment, I have stuck hard with that promise to myself.  No matter who believed in me, no matter who showed me love, no matter who looked at me cross eyed, no matter who told me no.  My heart is strong and has guided me on many paths and adventures.  Sometimes what everyone else says, what society says tries to drown it out, but my heart and my intuition has maintained its strength.  Sometimes it is hard to listen to it, but I know that it has never steered me wrong.

Getting back to the now…..For the last 11 years I have been able to for the most part maintain my pain by making the choice to eliminate gluten back in 2004, way before anyone really knew what gluten was.  I was told it would take 10 days for it to get out of my system and on the tenth day, I woke up for the first time in my life not feeling pain.  I never went back. No matter how delicious something looked, it was not worth my pain.

Somehow on the last day of 2014, I got dosed by gluten.  Meaning it was in something I ate, even though I was told everything was gluten free.  I woke up  January 1, 2015 feeling utterly miserable and I knew instantly what had happened.  So these past nine days, the first of 2015 have been really HARD for me.  I feel the pain EVERYWHERE.  In my finger tips, between my toes, behind my eyes.  EVERYWHERE.  It makes me want to scream at people in rage.  It makes me want to stay in bed and cry.  It’s fucking miserable.  But, I am coming out of it.  Each day, I feel a little better.  Each day I do things to try to detox it faster. (Thank you Shape House and Pressed Juicery).

I kept thinking and telling friends this week that I could not believe that this is what I used to feel like every single day of my life.  I discovered the gluten trick in 2004 which was when I was already a touring sound engineer.  I had already worked my way through college while working 40+ hours at the House of Blues Chicago.  I had made my first big dream come true and I was living my dream!  And the pain is what inspired me.   My whole life my pain guided me.  It made me be more honest, more real, and to stand for less bullshit.

I worked long and hard.  I put myself in challenging situations.  I was constantly judged for just being a female and being young in the position I was working.  But, it was all work that I loved.

My strong heart making it all possible to move through the pain.  I allowed my passion to be stronger than my pain.  It had to be.

So, although it has not been a fun week physically, I was reminded to what started me on this path so many years ago, when I was 15 and considering ending it all.  I mean really, where would I be, who I would I be, if I hadn’t had this pain to overcome?

I am writing this not for you to feel bad for me, but for you to look within.  Where are you letting pain run your life?  And not just physical pain, emotional pain is huge.  Pain from heartbreak.  Pain from childhood memories.  Pain from working a job that you despise.  Pain from not speaking your mind.  Pain from masking who you really are.

ALLOW YOUR PASSION TO BE STRONGER THAN YOUR PAIN.  Let it light you up and lead you forward.  It is within you.  I know it is.

__________________________________________________________________

BTW My week while hard wasn’t all bad!  I got my first Your Joyologist merchandise wholesale orders! (Yes, You can carry my items in your store!)  I connected with a new fabulous friend, Jessica Ortner. (Check her best selling book on tapping out!)  I fell more in love with my partner.  I got to see one of my best friends who was in town.  Really there was a lot of good!  So take that pain!  Ha!