I am an ache and pain and cold vessel. All week I have been singing to myself, “Two steps forward and two steps back.” Yes, the Paula Abdul hit song. My stomach/toilet/parasite problem is gone (to my knowledge), but I am now feeling the symptoms of a major cold. On Monday my stomach felt back to normal and I actually had energy. I made all sorts of plans of fitness for the day, as I have been immobile for more than a week. I started with a nice pace on my mom’s treadmill and boy, did it feel great. I was all, “I am going to keep on this for an hour and then come back later and do another hour!” I made it to 35 minutes and then started to feel my body wearing down. I listened and halted my mission, remembering that my I had been fighting off bugs to my system for more than two weeks. I made myself something healthy to eat and then the full on exhaustion set back in. I had been awake since 1:45am (my sleep schedule has yet to recover) but I was trying to not take a nap, working to get my body on the right clock. Then the sore throat set in. I chose to lie down and forget about my fitness mission for the time being. Inevitably, I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could barely talk, my throat was hurting so badly. I ate some dinner while I was in a half coma-like fog and tried to stay awake a little bit longer, but felt truly miserable.

Yesterday (Tuesday), I slept until 3:30am waking up with a head full of snot. I treated myself to a netti pot and salt water gargle to try to get some of it moving, as it was quite painful. I rested for a few hours in bed, unable to fall back asleep. I coaxed myself up mid-morning to break out my yoga mat for the first time since I have been back in the states. I let my body lead my practice and boy did it feel great. I was so tight and rusty it was amazing to feel my body stretch and strengthen once again. It was interesting to notice how open my hips were. I pretty much always have to put extra breath into hip opening poses and really choose to focus on letting go there. It is said that we hold our emotions in our hips and I have had huge emotional releases in poses such as pigeon, with tears streaming from my eyes. So, yesterday when I was more comfortable then ever in these poses with my hips releasing easily, I wondered if the choices I have been making in my life had this influence on my body. Who knows? It could merely be because I was barely using my legs and that is why my hips weren’t tight? I have no idea if that makes sense or is complete bullshit. I would think my lack of movement means tighter joints, but I am not an expert on these things. All I know is that I felt great lying there in pigeon and I feel great about all of the choices I have made and that I am making.

I do question myself. The latest being, Am I being completely irresponsible by signing a lease on a nice (and not cheap) apartment without having a source of income? But, I believe in myself and I believe in this life and the universe that surrounds us. People throughout my life have asked me how I got to where I was. How did you get into sound? How did you come to work for so and so? How did you become the joyologist? Etc. Etc. And I would often start with I am very lucky. I am lucky but I often forget about all of the hard work I have done and that I do to get what I want and to be who I want. I don’t know who can take credit for planting it in my head at a young age, but I have always known, I have always believed that I can be whatever I want to be. I am not afraid of hard work. I am not afraid of struggles. I am sitting here in bed right now wanting to scream and cry at once because of the physical pain I am in, but that is just what I have to contend with today.